breakdown and breakthrough
So it finally hit me last week that the world has changed and things will never be the same. I think I had some hope that this was all a dream and things would start to shift back to a version of normal. Do you remember when things were fun and people were fearless? Do you remember when you were allowed to smile, hug, and breathe on each other? Do you remember when you could sneeze from dust or cough from swallowing wrong? Seriously, I hoped I would wake up from this nightmare sci-fi version of life. This is really it, isn’t it?
I see my bank account dwindling and realize that I need to accept this stupid reality and get to making money. It’s time to start the job hunt again while I bring my dreams to life. What I didn’t realize is that looking for a job would send me into a downward spiral. Working on my resume triggered something in my mind though and I became consumed with old negative thought patterns and beliefs that I started almost 20 years ago.
I was scared to pick a major in college. I was scared to go after a job with my degree. I was scared I wouldn’t like the career I chose. I was scared that I wouldn’t love my daily life. For many years, I decided not to decide so that I would not have to face those fears. Then after letting indecision consume me for years, I learned to start choosing and taking accountability for my decisions which created different negative self-talk. “My resume will not stand out and I won’t even get an interview. I don’t know how to write a resume to truly describe my skills. I picked the wrong job again. No one will hire me because I’ve had many different jobs. I don’t know what I truly want to do with my life.”
I finally decided a couple years ago that I would no longer let negative thoughts nor other people’s opinions control my life. Since then, I have been working so hard on becoming more self-aware and eliminating old negative thought patterns and beliefs. I have come so far and I thought I was doing an outstanding job until that damn resume triggered me. I was flooded with every past negative thought and had a break down. What a worthless failure I am for having to job hunt again. I am never going to find a job I would want during this limiting covid time. Am I going to have to learn something completely new? Should I take the first thing that comes my way just so I can pay the bills? I’ll never be an entrepreneur. I’m a 20 year old again in a 40 year old body!? Why me? Where did I go so wrong in this life??
I cried, drank it out, and had a nice pity party for myself. After I exhausted myself of that old behavior for a couple days, I had a breakthrough. The work that I have done on myself has really paid off!! I took a few deep breaths and shifted back to an attitude of gratitude. I consciously choose not to feel bad anymore. I choose not to let negative thoughts consume me. I choose not to let my past affect my present and future. I really don’t believe that bullshit anymore. I know I am on the right path. I will NOT let covid fuck this up. I have so many great things going for me!
I am a new person in this new world and I get to choose my life. I get to choose my beliefs, behaviors, and thoughts. I’m actually excited about the possibilities and opportunities this new world has created. Every change, break down, and failure has only made me stronger and more resilient. I may not like this new reality just yet but I am grateful that I get to let go of that old way of being and my life as I used to know it.
