shame
What does the word shame mean to you? The definition is “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.”
Over time of reflecting on my past decisions, behaviors, and becoming more conscious of my choices, shame started to consume me. Years had passed and I wasn’t where I wanted to be in life. I took actions and made the choices I wanted to make. Why didn’t I do more? Why didn’t I try harder? Why didn’t I make a decision faster? How did I end up 35, still broke, and unhappy? What a loser.
When you let all the stories of the past consume you, it’s easy to spin out of control. I got stuck on the shame hamster wheel and felt like my life was never going to get better. What now? How do I get the hell off? I felt like the more I tried to slow down to jump off, it would only start to spin faster so that I couldn’t catch my footing to make the leap. I was sad but hopeful that someone or something would save me. I read books, listened to podcasts, and talked to everyone about it. I felt desperate and sick.
One day in a conversation with a friend, she mentioned a personal development program called Landmark. I had heard of it once from another friend I met but I blew it off thinking he didn’t know me well enough to tell me what he thought I needed. Hmm, what is this “Landmark Forum” they are talking about? They both assured me it was life changing and exactly what I needed. The price was right and it only took up one weekend of my life. Done and done. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. Get me off this fucking hamster wheel of my life.
I won’t go into the details of the weekend because everyone goes for different reasons and everyone gets something different out of it. It was super emotional and I released the shame. I finally forgave and accepted myself. I left that weekend destroying the hamster wheel and empowered to get out and live my life. Now don’t think that life is all rainbows and butterflies after one weekend, but it gave me hope. I now lived in a world of possibility and opportunity. I just needed to choose every thought, action, and reaction consciously every day. You know, just that easy. LOL.
Don’t let anyone, including yourself, make you feel shameful about your life. We make the best choices we can at the time and then have to take responsibility for the outcomes. Good or bad, a lesson was learned. Use those lessons to make the next choices. Live consciously in the present and make decisions with confidence. No fear, regret, or shame allowed anymore. You are the creator of your life and no one else has to live it but you.
